I can’t do it all.
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I can’t do it all.
I want to, but I find myself failing. In my quest to be a good wife, good mother and good at my job, I find myself faltering at
every
single
one.
Trying to live up to the expectations that I set for myself and that others have set for me have made me miserable at times. And while it hurts to get turned down through work or when I see myself not having enough patience with my kids, the worst is when my husband comes down on me.
We have a pretty strong marriage and after almost 11 years I’m happy to say that I’m still married to him. Most of the time I’m very content to be where I’m at. I’m happy with him, my kids and my blogs.
But nothing is more of a punch to the gut when the things I do aren’t good enough. When I’m trying hard but trying hard isn’t good enough.
We don’t argue about money.
We argue about cleaning. About clutter. About organization.
Mainly that I’m lacking in each one.
My house is rarely “dirty” but is typically cluttered. Cluttered with things we have received for review. Boxes that pile up. Things that don’t have place. Too many toys, clothes the kids have outgrown. (And if you are wondering if our house belongs on an episode of hoarders, no.)
I want to donate, organize, sell stuff at consignment.
I dream of a system where everything is beautiful organized in storage bins and everything has a place.
But all of those things take time.
Time I usually don’t feel I have.
And I don’t think I’m gifted at thinking that way.
And so is vicious circle.
Unfortunately all these failures get put onto me, even though we all contribute to the clutter, the mess, the lack of organization. It seems that a woman, a wife, is automatically supposed to be successful at all of these things.
To constantly be moving, multi-tasking, always on top of everything.
But I’m not.
And I don’t know how to be.
I’d say I could bring in a maid, only I’d feel like I’d need to get organized first.
Sigh.
What is easy for some isn’t easy for all. I can cook. I can bake. I can be a good mother to my boys and spend time with them, listen to them, cuddle them.
But I am not good at being organized.
Should I feel bad for working from home at a time when I’ve always had at least one kid in the house with me and my time is limited? Where I’m forced to work in the early morning, at naps and late at night? When I give up a lot of my free time to build something because I enjoy it and because it brings income to my family? (Income that allows us to live more comfortably instead of just scraping by and feeling extra stressed.)
Should I feel like less of a person?
Should I feel like because I lack in one area, all those other areas don’t count?
That because my house isn’t perfect, I’m not a good mom?
A good wife?
A good person?
I don’t know what the answer is. And so I keep going along. Feeling bad for being not everything my husband had hoped I’d be and knowing that despite this,
I am a good mom.
I am a good wife.
I am a good person.
And I hope that is enough.
i know the feeling! if there was only enough hours in a day ! so much you want to do but not enough time! as long as the kiddos are taken care of and the hubby i think everything else is ok !
a friend the other day asked me arent you tired of doing it all? i am like no im tired that i can never get everything done that i want too! i also have a lot of stuff that i would like to put in consignment and organize but that goes in the backburner when it comes to taking care of the lil ones and making sure they are fed and cared too a long wiht my husband. They need to be understanding we are not superwoman and if they were left to do everything they could not even manage half!
Life is short … something I’ve learned the hard way recently. Remind him of that. Clutter is such a tiny, itty bitty problem and one I’m sure he can overcome and get over if he tried hard enough. There will come a day when the kids are all in school and you’ll have that time to devote to decluttering the house. Until then, you’re doing the best you can.
Thanks, Cat!
It would be much easier if I didn’t work at all and concentrated solely on childcare and house work. But I know I would’t be truly happy if I did that either.
If it bothers him so much,give him a task to do that he can help,,ive not seen one Mom with kids that has a spotless house,,I worked outside the home an had kids an my house was cluttered,,I have a crossed stitch piece I did when my son was little,,its so true,,,it goes like this: “Cleaning an scrubbing can wait til tomorrow.For babies grow up,Ive learned to our sorrow,So quiet down cobwebs,dust go to sleep,,Im rocking my baby an babies dont keep” an my son is 38 an I still have it hanging,cause now its the grandbabies im rocking,an clutter can sit a while longer,,kid ,take it from a ole warhorse Mom,,,the kids dont remember the clutter or dust,they remember YOU being there for them an with them in what they do.
I’ve always believe in that philosophy too. I’d much rather spend some quality time with my kids than worry about laundry waiting to be put away. But I do know some moms who highly value a de-cluttered and very clean house and do a good job of it.
I do want to clarify though that my husband doesn’t expect me to do it all. He does help with cleaning and with the kids and for that I’m grateful. But certain tasks like laundry, clothing for the kids, organizing, etc are not things he tackles. If he could, he’d just throw everything away. He will clean the bathroom for example but he won’t put everything back in its place so I have to come back and make it right. He will watch the kids after dinner but he forgets to bring his own dishes to the sink after dinner when I’m cleaning up. He will go out of his way to avoid putting things in the dishwasher, let alone empty it.
But he is so helpful in many things and for that I appreciate him. But for the things I’m not good at, he isn’t either and so I find his standards frustrating. I think because he grew up in a house where his mom highly valued cleaning and did most of it for him, he expects me to be the same. It is how he feels comfortable in his own home. He gets stressed when the things around him aren’t tidy. I feel bad, but I don’t know how to change that. If he approached me so that it was something we needed to work on together it would be easier. But usually he just gets down on me and makes me feel like a failure.
Thanks for your comment, Vickie!
I definitely understand about the vicious circle. Nobody is superhuman. It sounds like you might be too hard on yourself sometimes. You are wonderful and are juggling a lot quite capably!
My husband of 20 years come down on me for the same things. Cleaning, clutter, and organization. I to feel I do the very best I can and excel in many areas of my life as a wife , mother, and career person. I to wish I could fulfill everything that makes him happy, its impossible. I constantly remind my husband of everything I do in a day and have even took him along on one of my daily rides. He did agree that I do a lot and seemed to understand. Two days later he complained about the clutter. I came to realize that he probably always will and all I can do is do the best I can. I am one person. There are 4 people in my house, They all complain but don’t take the time to change it. It must not be that important or they would.
AMEN, I can never seem to get everything done when I want to. Stresses me out! Glad to hear I am not the only one who feels this way.
I feel the same in many ways only I also suck at baking and cooking. haha… sighhhhhh. At least he gets a good meal amidst the clutter. My husband does that for us most days (and still has to live with the clutter that we both are terrible at managing).
Cooking/baking might not be your thing but I can’t sew, or draw and I’m really not very crafty, not like you are. We all have our strengths and for some, that is being very tidy and organized. I guess that just isn’t one of our strengths but for some reason we as woman feel judged when that isn’t something we are good at. Think about all the running around most of us do when we are going to have guests over? That is why I’m lucky to have friends like you and Sarah who I know won’t judge me if it looked like a tornado (aka my kiddos) went through my house. 🙂 I’m still going to pick up, but I’m not going to obsess or let myself feel bad if it isn’t perfect.
I think all wife’s/mother’s have this debate with themselves all the time. You need to give yourself a break. The most important thing is if your kids are happy and taken care of. Also if your husband an you are both happy with the amount of time you spend together and what you both want from life. I don’t care about the clutter. My husband is neat almost to the point of OCD. We have been together for 24 years. He has learned that I don’t care if there is clutter and I make sure the big things are done. It works for us. Just tell him your priorities are him, the kids, and you blog. The house work is last on the list.
You can’t do it all! Little steps. I make a weekly checklist. It helps me to have it on paper. I can ignore my iPhone and computer but a piece of paper on the fridge seems to be more effective for me. Once you start getting organized (speaking from experience) you do feel less stress and more relaxation.
I definitely want to get some kind of system/checklist in place for weekly things so I can spread them out and have time for some of the bigger projects for sure. I love a clean house and it definitely makes me feel more relaxed to be in one, too!
You are doing just fine! Everyone has these same struggles. And from what I’ve learned through the years… No matter how much you do, or what you do, there will always be something that is lacking in someone else’s eyes. Don’t let it get you down. Continue on! You’re fine!
and you’re an EXCELLENT friend. I know I’ve been leaning on you a lot lately but you’ve been really helpful in a time when I really needed it and I hope you know you can call me and vent away any time. Sometimes a good ramble really does feel good and saying it outloud really does help.
I often have this struggle and my house is never dirty but always cluttered too. What I’ve come to realize when everything is crashing is that I need to get offline. It’s hard to put the computer away but it’s amazing what I can do when I do.
You are way to hard on yourself. I have seen your house many times and it always seems clean to me. Send to my house for awhile for a dose of reality haha. You are a great Mom, wife, friend, blogger and don’t doubt yourself. I am lucky my husband doesn’t typically complain but some days he comes home and starts yelling at the kids about their toy messes and I immediately get mad and defensive because that is a reflection on me if he has a problem with the house when he gets home. I do agree with what someone earlier about you feel better if you get organized and I know the few times I have been able to get a little organized or allowed myself to get rid of things, I do feel liberated.
I can only imagine what having a house on the market will do for that! It certainly is more stressful to get there but having something like house showings forces you to stay on top of everything and perhaps make new habits easier to form. I love all the changes you’ve made to your home and it definitely seems more open and inviting with all the little touches.
Thanks for your support and kind words! 🙂 You are an awesome friend.
“When I’m trying hard but trying hard isn’t good enough.”
I feel you on that one. It seems the harder I try, the results are med-ocer or just not giving the results I hoped to achieved. In the end, there are people who don’t appreciate that hard effort. I look at them as they haven’t earned my respect or my time. In the end, you are doing your best and you give it your love, time, attention and you continue to do so with out giving up. That shows heart, love, courage and over all, it shows you are a good person that cares. Sit back, kick your feet up and sip on your favorite drink with your favorite movie. In the end, being a mother, a wife and thrown into reality/the world around you, you are doing more than you realize.
You cannot do everything. I have found myself trying to do that as well and to care for everyone, clean the house, cook and the list goes on and on. I think we can all get cluttered at home occasionally. A few weeks ago, we took time to organize some…not all but it’s good to just concentrate on that so you can have the space you need. Maybe that is key for you as well. Take a break to just find your own place, have it be in the garage, a spare room, etc. I think that could settle so much and probably make all of you happy as well. The main thing is…you are doing all and more than many people do. The best thing is…you take care of your family.
it is hard to do it all, especially when you’re a blogger but are amazing at it! keep up the great work!
You are so echoing my thoughts lately. I try so hard but feel I always come up short! I try to do it all but the truth is one person cannot do everything!
!) The house the boys grew up in was set-up easier to keep up than yours is. They all played in the blue bedroom, which was Dan and Dave’s. That is where almost all the toys were. At bedtime we played “construction” and “bulldozed” all the toys into a huge toy box.
2) Joe remembers different than it actually way. He was the youngest of 4 and Jim is 5 yrs older. When I went back to work (outside of the home) The older boys were in school and Joe went to a babysitter (usually one of the grandmothers…YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT OPTION…when no one is home, it is easy to keep the house picked up)
3) I have said before, when Warren is in school full time next year, you should consider taking Wesley to daycare a couple days a week.
4) I think you should take more time for yourself.
5) I admire you and think you are a good wife and mother.
6) I am not you and you are not me…I HATE TO COOK, I did not like having an office in my home and working from home (I have to separate areas of my life) Our house in MN basement was a wreck (I used to say the clutter held the floor up…not really quite that bad, but it was NOT like any of the rest of the house.) I LIKE doing laundry..I LOVE doing laundry (okay, I am weird about that) I like to bake.
7) I PROMISE things will be easier once Warren is in school.
8) BTW I have had cleaning people 2 times in my life. I really didn’t like them.
Thank you! That means a lot that you would say that!
I do agree that I need to have a day or two a week where Wes has a sitter and I think that is something I can easily do in the fall when he is no longer nursing. I really look forward to that!
(And I just discovered this sitting in my pending comments folder. Sorry for the delay. I often go a few days without getting a chance to approve them unfortunately!)
: )
Some days are better than others, but today I feel that I could not get everything done! I just want to relax and let it all go to pot. But, I will not. I will get the kitchen cleaned tomorrow! I can not do everything in one day. I understand about not having the time to organize everything!
I have the same feelings…and I don’t even have any kids yet! I can’t imagine how I’ll feel when kids finally happen. Good to know I’m not the only one who feels this way!