What Has Happened to Marriage?
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Last night before bed, Lucian asked me an interesting question.
Lucian: Mom, can dogs get married?
Me: No, Lucian. Dogs can’t get married, only humans can.
Lucian: But they can have babies so why can’t they get married?
Me: Hmm…well, getting married is a ceremony in which you make a commitment to be with another person forever. Dogs can’t talk so they can’t get married.
Lucian: Oh.
I caught myself cutting off the word forever. Did I envision myself getting married and staying married to my husband until death parts us? Yes, I did. But I stopped myself from making that part of my definition of marriage to my son only because so many people get divorced. Forever doesn’t mean forever if you can simply sign a piece of paper that says I changed my mind. I no longer want to be with my spouse.
As I tucked Lucian in and turned off his light, I found myself needing affirmation that my husband still felt the same way. Does he still want to be married to me, like I want to be married to him? So I shared my conversation with our son and asked him straight out. “Do you still want our marriage to be forever?” And he replied how I deep down knew he would. “Yes, of course! You do too, right?” And even though I would say we have a good relationship, it felt good to hear that after almost nine years of marriage.
All day today these thoughts of marriage have been nagging at me. My sister just went through a rather messy divorce after 13 years of marriage. Two of my brother-in-laws have been divorced (one twice) and have had struggles with custody of children and plenty of drama with their ex wives. And while my parents have remained happily married, it seems that they are no longer the norm. Are we beyond saving marriages?
So what has really happened? Is it that more and more people are less likely to try and stay to work things out because getting divorced no longer has the same social stigma that it once had? Perhaps we are more selfish or unwilling to stay in a miserable marriage. Many woman are unwilling to stay now that they are less dependent upon a man.
There are plenty of ways to try and work things out with marriage counseling, using online or local professionals or within your church. But it seems more and more that step is skipped.
Do I have some fabulous marriage advice? Not really. The only thing I can say is that we have very similar views and really enjoy spending time together. We didn’t rush into getting married and took our timing getting to know one another before making that commitment. And I really believe that actually liking each other is the only thing that will keep you together when the newness wears off and life, especially life with kids, is thrown at you.
If you have your own wisdom on marriage, please share!
What an interesting post! I recently had a talk with my 6 year old (I love your son’s name by the way! My sons’ have similar names to your son) and he asked why his uncle (my husband’s brother) lives with his girlfriend and they aren’t married. I’ve said to him before that people get married when they want to be together all the time. I’d prefer that my sons share our values about getting married instead of living together without the benefit of marriage, but I realize in today’s world that may not be realistic.
As for the secret to a long marriage, I still haven’t found it exactly. It will be 13 years for us in December. We got married right out of college when we were 22 and 23. We’ve had our ups and downs, and definitely having 3 kids has been stressful, but I think the alternative (getting divorced) sounds too horrible to contemplate. My parents have each been married and divorced several times. I guess that’s why my brother and I have had long-term marriages, because we know how divorce tears a family apart. I wouldn’t want to do that to my children. I think you have to move heaven and Earth before you give up on a marriage.
Neither of our parents have gotten divorced but I completely agree with you. Even thinking about no longer being with my husband makes me so sad and divorce just doesn’t enter my head. Simply knowing that we are in this together, that he still loves me like I love him makes going through those rough patches that much easier. Because we both have the same interests at heart.
(And I love my son’s name too! It is a love or hate thing with that name. Either people absolutely love it or have to pretend.)
I’m not an expert either, we will be married nine years later this year as well. In our group/family we are not normal. We are each other’s only marriage and we only have kids together, were married a few years before we planned for and had each one of them. And we are happy. Our parents are all divorced. I would say that might have made us think harder about who we wanted to be with except that between our combined six siblings, only one has a marriage like ours.
Here’s what I feel has helped us:
1. We trust each other. That means when one is out with their friends or home alone with the kids, the other doesn’t need to check up on them unnecessarily.
2. We are each other’s priority. Self explanatory.
3. We always build the other up, never tear them down. I am often amazed at the things I hear spouses say about each other both to their face and behind their back! We don’t nag or try to change each other.
4. We both recognize that there needs to be a balance of time. Each needs time alone, time with our friends, time alone with the kids, time as a family and (most important) time as a couple.
He is my best friend. I never tire of him. I look forward to our future and couldn’t imagine it without him. He is perfect for me.
I agree with you 100%. I met my husband my senior year of high school and we’ve been together ever since but we didn’t get married until I was 22 and out of college. (He is four years older than I am). We were a married couple for four years and had our house three years before we planned to have kids. I’m sure all of these things help to lessen the stress on our relationship. We were ready and wanted to get married just like we were ready and wanted to have kids.
One of my best friends was getting a divorce from her husband and the thing that always struck me about their relationship is that she always needed “breaks” from him. She loved it when he went out of town so he wasn’t around and they rarely did things together because they had almost nothing in common. I can’t imagine thinking that away. While I can certainly do things apart from my husband it isn’t because he is driving me nuts. I love doing things with my husband and I love quality time with us as a family. Because we are on the same page we just don’t argue about those things or money. Our arguments are about stupid things, usually about clutter in the house.
🙂
Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
Haha! We only argue over silly stuff too! Never money or going out with friends or how to raise the children. We argue over the dishes 😉
Emilie,
I think having time together as a couple before you have kids is important. My husband and I dated for 3 years before getting married, and were married over 4 years before we had our first child (and by the time he was born we were already in our 2nd house).
I consider myself SO LUCKY to have met my husband at a young age. I have a friend who is almost 37 and hasn’t gotten married yet but is DESPERATE to. I imagine when you are in a rush like that, your decision making ability and judgment might be a little impaired.
Great post! It really is a shame how many people take getting divorced so lightly. My parents included. I just got married in April… my husband and I did a 13 week pre-marital course through our church. Even though we dated for almost 10 years before getting married, I think it’s so important to actually know and like the person you’re marrying, like you said. It bothers me when couples divorce over the littlest troubles, like their vows didn’t even matter, and they aren’t willing to work at their marriage. It’s just sad.
This is an interesting post. I’ve also seen 3 divorces happen between siblings and it’s not pretty. However, when I did get married, we made a covenant with each other and with God, and it’s forever. Even after death. I find comfort in this and am excited for each day that I have with my spouse.
I think you’ve gotten some good advice already, and I think the biggest thing in our marriage is just communicating effectively. By communicating and being on the same page, it’s made our marriage a lot easier. Granted, I’ve never thought it was all that hard, but then again I think it’s how we communicate.
We are celebrating 7 years of marriage this next week, and I know there’s a long journey still ahead, but it’s been a great one so far.
Marriage is difficult. No matter how well we get along with our spouse, there are issues that come up from time to time and need to be worked out. Work… that’s the key word. Marriages take work, but it’s worth it. I just read and reviewed a great book about marriage, called Love & War by John & Stacy Eldredge. Even though I’ve been married 31 years, I still learned a lot from this book. Thanks for the great post.
cute pic! you are so honest and I love that… but you’re right.. i dont know anyone who stays married these days…
All of the broken families makes me sad. Our 18-yr. old had very few friends in high school who weren’t from broken homes. I’m glad you spoke out in favor of staying together. I read a quote by George Burns once, who was married to his wife for many, many years, and I can’t remember it exactly, but I know they asked him the secret of a happy marriage and he said, ‘We never considered divorce as an option.” They knew what the commitment meant. I loved that advice.
I love your advice too…to go slow and really get to know a person. So many people rush into marriage like it’s not such a huge commitment. My husband and I genuinely like each other and like you, we did not rush into anything. Your words were right on target with me.
Thanks for the post.
You are right that views on marriage have changed! My parents got married with the idea that there is no “exit” door. I remember once asking my Mom why she didn’t just leave my Dad (he is a now-recovered alcoholic, was not at the time of the question). Mom just looked at me, smiled, and said, “Sweetheart, when I married your Daddy, I said until death do us part.” My parents will celebrate 41 years in September, and I can’t tell you how much I have learned by seeing their commitment to each other.
When Hubs and I got married, it was with the same commitment. I can count on one hand the number of real disagreements we have had in nearly six years. But, we, too, took our time in getting to know each other.
BTW, I stumbled this post.
Ugh I hate the concept of “broken home” as if every family that goes through a divorce is damaged. I think one of the reasons that divorce happens now is that the taboo is gone. If it hadn’t been taboo 50 years ago then more people would have divorced. My grandparents divorced but ended up remarrying each other years later. I am my husband’s second wife and he has a daughter from previous marriage. We make our mixed family (much more accurate term than “broken family”) work. I think what is a bigger shame is to see women who insist that fathers can only be part time fathers. Fathers are forced to only see their children every other week and pay insane amounts of money to never be with their kid. My brother in law rarely gets to see his kids but has to constantly pay out money to his ex. He loves his kids with all his heart and it is just heart breaking to see him unable to spend time with them. Who said that mothers are better parents than fathers? My husband his ex put my stepdaughter’s needs first. She spends half the week at our house and the other half at her mothers. All costs are split evenly between the two parents. My husband and his ex made a mistake. They never should have married. But should they have punished themselves and ultimately their daughter by staying together? Kids know when there are problems in a marriage. Why should a kid have to live in an unhappy environment. My husband and his ex tried therapy but it didn’t help. In the end if they had never divorced my hubby and I would not have met and his ex and her husband would never have met. I never would have my son and she would not have had her son. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly but there are times when yes it should happen. There “broken homes” even among those who stay married.
I should also add that my stepdaughter is one of the most well adjusted well behaved children you can find. So no divorce has not damaged her. Also we have always made her feel as though she was extra special because while some children only have two parents who love her she has 4 parents who love and look out for her and she has two extra sets of grandparents to spoil her. Even after having my own son I made it clear to her that she is still equal in my heart and that she is still my daughter.
I do want to stress that I’m not saying I think that people shouldn’t get divorced or that families are always better off if the parents stay together. Everyone in my family that has gotten a divorce I really believe made the right decision. What I will say though is that some members got married much too quickly and therefore didn’t get a chance to know each other as well as they should have before taking that step. And I think if anyone knew the stories surrounding all the divorces they would agree with me. (I’m trying very hard not to bash anyone or say too much as my family is very much aware of my blog.)
I’m very to happy to hear that your family has flourished in your situation and am glad that you found that special person to share your life with!
My husband and I celebrate 36 years in August. I know why we have been married for so long, he is very tolerant. HAHA, I’m not able to wrap my brain around not having him as my husband. As we age I worry about illness and how much time we might have together before one of us is no longer around.
We’ve raised children and are now enjoying grandchildren. This is the best life has to offer in my opinion.
This might offend some people out there, but I recommend Dr. Laura’s book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” My husband and I have been married now for 27 years. I love him more and more each year. Dr. Laura’s book help us both to be happier together. I will give my daughters each a book of their own when they get married.
I think people take marriage lightly these days. I don’t understand how people can get married and divorced 3+ times. I get that people change and you can grow apart, but your vows do say “for better or for worse”, and it seems people just run and soon as things get worse. To be honest, my husband and I got married after a year and a half of dating, not long in most people’s opinions. And I was only 23 when we got married, which is pretty young now that I think about it. But I knew he was the person I was meant to be with, and although there are times I can’t stand to be around him, I know that when it comes down to it, I would never want to live without him.
There was this funny quote that I found recently that I keep in mind whenever Paul and I are arguing:
“To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ”
Not that I don’t love my husband, because I do, but when we’re arguing… not so much. 🙂
From the things I’ve read in your blog it sounds like Paul is a great catch. (This is largely from your wonderful Father’s Day post) My husband and I make decisions together and work on raising our family together and because we both have an equal voice, it nice to not feel dominated. It is a partnership. My husband will also help me clean and get the kids to bed for example but I will work our schedule around him so he can go on that long run, etc. It is all give and take. (I understand that some people believe that someone should be the head of the household and make the decisions for the family. This is just works for us.)
Love your quote!
I think there is more to making your marriage work than taking your time. I was with my soon to be ex husband for 6 years before we got married. I had my son and everything changed. He was mean to me and to him so now I’m getting divorced and feel like I’m making the best decision. And yes I tried counseling, he wouldn’t go. I didn’t take this decision lightly at all and I will probably never remarry. I just don’t agree with the statements that people take marriage lightly and rush into divorce. I did not. It was either leave or be shoved around and called a bitch everyday of my life, in front of my son.
Mary, I do hope that you read some of the other comments that I’ve left here. In the interest of not having a super long post I had limit my thoughts. I have stated that I am not against divorce and in many cases it is the right decision and obviously in yours as well. Some people change and that is certainly what happened in my sister’s case. (Trust me, I pushed for that divorce). And getting to know each other longer isn’t guaranteed success. My parents only knew each other for a few months before getting married and they have been together for more than 30 years, very happily I might add.
But I’ve also seen people get married after only knowing someone a few weeks or rush into it because of this or that and then suddenly the person they married has “changed”. Then they are miserable and a bad situation just escalates until they are divorced a couple of years later.
So many factors go into why the divorce rate is so high and I’m not trying to simplify it. But because divorce is so normal now it does make me wonder if a good percentage of marriages that end in divorce could be saved if people would be willing to work harder on it or their marriage never would have happened in the first place if people took marriage more seriously, you know?
What an interesting post! This is actually something that my husband and I talk about often. We have a lot of problems in our lives due to divorce. (All of which is thanks to our parents.)
My husband and I have known each other since Kindergarten! We were in the same grade, but only ever had 2 classes together. We became best friends in 11th grade. We have 2 beautiful boys. We have been married for 4 1/2 years. While we didn’t exactly do things in the order that I would have liked, we try to make sure that our boys understand marrying the right person for the right reasons. Both of our parents are divorced and they say some of the most aweful things about their exes. It is extremely difficult for my husband and I to get them to understand that not only did their divorces already affect our lives when it was happening, but that it continues to affect our lives and our childrens lives.
For us, marriage is forever. We decided to make that promise to each other. Neither of us feels that divorce is option. I couldn’t imagine my life without him!
We are best friends. We enjoy the same things. We think the same on most things…it is very rare that we disagree on things. We love the family and home that we have created. I think that those things definitely help!
I wrote something on this and it became a very heated topic so I’ll just say., No people don’t look at is death til us part anymore.
We have been married for 21 years. I think the reason we are so well together is that we have the same values, lifestyles, religion and come from the same educational and economical background. Our small differences balance each other out. And when I met him i KNEW he was the one-it was the strongest gut feeling I ever had.
This is part of the reason I never got married – I’m old-fashioned and I believe it should be until death do us part (even if it means I have to kill him…. I KEED, I KEED).
Nowdays it seems like people treat marriage more like we used to treat dating… it’s just so, casual. I just don’t understand it.
To me, marriage is forever. And I say this despite the fact that I have no strong religious beliefs about it. My husband and I will celebrate our 7th anniversary this summer, but it seems longer since we have lived together for nearly 11 years now. We entered into our marriage knowing we would be committed to each other and our family forever. Advice? Communicate, communicate, communicate. And be friends and partners first and foremost. It saddens me to see many friends and even family our age with small kids under age 10 divorcing.
I remember when my daughter that is now 22 was in 5th grade, she came home crying one day because she said that in her entire class, she had the only parents NOT divorced. I was shocked! There was probably 20 kids in that class but still, this was a shocking figure! Believe it or not I know quit a few couples still married! Many family members are still together, a few that are not. Marriage is hard, we all need to work on it. It defiantly is worth it to stay together. Maybe if more people would read up on what happens to the quality of life after divorce, more would work harder on fixing the problem. My family was also raised in church which to me means all the difference in the world. The teaching of forever in Christ as a unit has set in our hearts and minds. I’m not saying that it has made it easy but it makes one go back to their roots in time of need and understanding in regards to relationships. We are celebrating our 25th anniversary next month as well as our 32 years together in Oct. If more people would work harder and get over that HUMP, they would be happier, wealthier and healthier!
The problem with marriage today is that people think it’s about happiness. The minute they stop being happy – or they think their spouse isn’t making them happy – they believe it’s their right to leave and find someone else who *will* make them happy. But marriage isn’t about that at all. No one will ever be able to make anyone else happy, because we are imperfect.
In my opinion, real marriage – that is to say, marriage in the way God created it to be – is about committing to a partnership for God’s glory. It’s about vowing to always be there, and to always do your best to honor those vows. It’s about serving the Lord by serving your spouse. When you do that, He promises to bless those that honor marriage and keep it sacred. But marriage cannot work without selfless love and selfless respect. Marriage is about giving yourself completely without expecting anything in return, because that is the only way we can be truly selfless. This is not a popular notion today, though. Because we live in a world of “look out for number 1” “Put your happiness first”. With that mentality, marriage will never work for anyone.