The Test of a Two Year Old…

Lucian is my adorable two and a half year old who up until about a month ago rarely acted out and who took naps without much fuss. He has always been polite and loving.

Where has my sweet little boy gone?

Three weeks ago my boys started at the new daycare because our previous provider gave birth. It was a much smaller home daycare with only two other kids. At first Lucian was thrilled because he is very friendly and social and loved the newness of it. That changed quickly because he couldn’t seem to nap there. I think he is used to it being quieter (we use white noise at home) and because he is napping with so many other kids in the room. For the first few days he wouldn’t nap and anyone who has a two year old who doesn’t get a nap will know that was bad, very very bad.

While he is now sleeping some at daycare he is more prone to outbursts at home and very stubborn. He seems tired a lot and therefore very emotional. He will cry one minute if I don’t hold him or scream and yell because he didn’t get juice when he demanded it.

My husband Joe and I are totally on the same page. We never give into what it is that he wants when he does this. We usually try to give him two other choices. For example if he wants candy we will give him two other options for a snack such as a banana or cheese. We always try to offer him foods we know he really likes. Of course we usually get a snotty “No, want candy.” Then he doesn’t get anything. If he continues or starts to throw something we give him a warning and then a timeout if necessary. We never give into what the demand is but we do bend a little to try an offer something he can have. These tantrums seem easier to handle because I know exactly how I want to handle it. Unfortunately it isn’t always so cut and dry.

Last night Lucian had a total meltdown at dinner time. It could have been because he was hungry and tired. I did give him a small snack when we got home (two pieces of cheese) to tide him over until dinner was ready. Normally my husband or I will take turns making dinner while the other one is in the living room with the kids since we don’t have an open floor plan. Lucian decided he wanted up to watch Daddy cut vegetables. My husband offered him a chair next to him but all Lucian would accept was to actually be held by Daddy. Of course he can’t both prepare dinner and hold him at the same time so he was forced to come back to the living room with me. Then it really went south.

He started screaming and kept trying to get back into the kitchen. Forcefully opening the gate and shutting it again since he has now figured that thing out. (Darn!) I gave him a warning and then he got sent to timeout. He wouldn’t stay in his timeout chair like he used to so Joe eventually brought him into his old crib (he sleeps in a bed now) and shut the door to let him take a breather and calm down. That only made him madder. When supper was ready Joe went and got him and he seemed calmer. Perhaps we just should have left him there because it just continued to snowball.

Joe got him into his booster seat but he pushed away all his food angrily and just sat there screaming and crying. So my husband turned his chair to face the wall to calm down. It didn’t work. We ignored him for a while. Later we tried numerous times to find out what he wanted and using toddler speak. Short, emphatic sentences in hopes to show we understand. “Lucian mad, Lucian very mad. Lucian want out. Lucian want out now. Lucian wants out, out, out, etc.” That didn’t even do the trick like it used to. So we switched gears and tried to help him calm down as he is practically hyperventilating in his booster. Finally I was able to distract him with some very basic questions about stuff in the room. “Look at that ball, Lucian. What color is it? Do you remember the sign for ball?” That brought him out of it. At that point I think he was exhausted and looking for an excuse to stop his rant. I don’t even know what he was upset about and I don’t think he really did either. I only know what “triggered” it.

Before kids I would have just said ignore it and eventually he will learn not to throw these fits anymore. Easier said than done.

Is trying to help him calm down giving in? I don’t want to give him attention when he is like this but I want to help him to get control of himself when it extends to a long period of time. I don’t want to use force like hold him down and I don’t want to make him go to bed without having eaten any dinner since I could tell he was hungry. (I call him my camel. One time he’ll eat a whole lot and very little another, even with foods I know he likes.)

Looking back now I think I might have just brought him back to his crib and let him stay there until he had control of himself and then see if he wanted to eat his dinner.

I think our son is testing boundaries. Now that he can talk more he likes to be able to tell us what he wants but isn’t yet able to fully deal with us saying he can’t have what he wants. That in combination with the daycare transition and being tired just makes it worse.

I would love to hear any constructive advice. I’m not looking for any harsh comments but instead suggestions on what might work better. Have you gone through this too? Should we just ride it out doing what we are doing?